Where do children and other uncomfortable questions come from
Sooner or later, the baby begins to ask quite logical questions about the obvious visual differences between boys and girls. Adults usually react to such “whys” with extreme nervousness: some masterly move away from the answer, while others, on the contrary, immediately try to dump the maximum information on the child. As in many other cases, in the field of sex education it is better to adhere to the middle ground
The most common adult mistake is to project the child’s own sexual experience and personal intimate experiences. As a result, the boy’s innocent question of why he cannot wear a swimsuit instead of swimming trunks makes his parents seriously worried about his future orientation. In fact, children's interest does not concern sex as such and everything connected with it, but rather specific details (more often than not, it is a matter of momentary curiosity).
- Try to answer strictly the questionwithout developing the topic further without the initiative of the child. Why do mom and dad sleep together? Because the husband and wife do everything together: eat, sleep, go shopping, raise children - these are they friendly. The next, clarifying question may arise for the young researcher very soon, for example, in a year - and up to this point you will be able to do without unnecessary details.
- Do not hesitate to answer and do not try to move the conversation to another plane. Your confusion will only increase interest in sexual subjects. It’s better to say a little and not very clear, making it a calm, everyday tone, and not to give yourself a lecture under his breath. Having noticed your insecurity, the child will again begin to question in order to enjoy his power.
- Do not promise to say something later when the baby is older. The child is sure that he is terribly adult, and it is almost impossible to convince him otherwise.
- When discussing gender issues, focus on how they relate to human health and the laws of nature.without trying to describe the sexual desires of adults, their experiences and motives. It's hard for a preschooler to imagine what you mean.
- Children, like Australian aborigines, have magical thinking. Therefore, if you slightly embellish something, shift the emphasis, and keep silent about something altogether, this will only benefit. Being opponents of the theory of "stork", many adults tend to tell the truth and only the truth, which all the same sooner or later leads them into a dead end. At some point, parents discover that the child did not understand all of what was said, but that he understood, distorted beyond recognition. Therefore, to the question "What are gaskets?" we can answer that this is something like insoles in boots, but only in underpants. And they are used to ensure that thin underwear lasts longer.
- Do not faint when a child brings some kind of informational “bomb” from a kindergarten or from guests - for example, she enthusiastically declares: “Mom, now I know what sex is.” Ask the baby to enlighten you too, and most likely you will find out that sex is when an uncle and aunt kiss in bed or lie naked there. Confirm the accuracy of this information and remember the name of the wise guy who provided your child with new knowledge. On the one hand, he saved you the need to introduce ambiguous concepts to your child. On the other hand, now you will have to conduct a polemic with him in absentia: such a “developed” friend is usually the source of all sorts of myths on sexual subjects that have to be debunked. In fact, it is not so important who the baby receives information from, the main thing is that it is to you that he turns to for clarification.
Sexual education in the Soviet Union was limited to scarce information about the physiological functions of female and male organisms and did not include information about the risk of unwanted pregnancy, methods of contraception and sexually transmitted diseases. This led to the fact that in the 1960-1980s, the USSR occupied one of the first places in the world in the number of abortions. In post-Soviet Russia, another problem arose: the wide coverage of the “sex” topic in youth mass media created in children confidence in the admissibility of the early onset of sexual activity. As a result, the number of very young mothers increased: by 2002, out of 1,000 mothers in Russia, 30 were teenagers. In addition, of the 1.5 million abortions performed in 2006, 10% were among girls under 19 years of age.
These data suggest that in addition to information, which is certainly important, the development of responsibility for emerging sexual relationships is of great importance. For example, in the Netherlands, the sex education program (it has been included in the school curriculum since elementary grades) forms the child’s awareness of the need to “mature” into adult behavior. The average age of first sexual intercourse in this country is 17.9 years, and the proportion of teenage births is one of the lowest in the world (5 people per 1000).
No matter how frank you are with the child, it is necessary to form an idea with him about when discussion of sexual issues is appropriate and when not. To do this, it is necessary to explain what a person’s personal space is and why it should not be violated.
- Ask the baby how he will react if his mother kisses him. What if Aunt Rita from Voronezh, whom he saw two years ago, does? And finally, what will happen if a stranger in a store allows herself such a liberty? Explain to the child that each person is somewhat similar to a house: he lets someone in to visit, and fenced off from someone with a fence and a locked door. Screaming when she saw a full woman in a swimsuit on the beach: “Mom, look, she has more breasts than you !!!” - not good. It's like kicking a door into someone else's house with your foot. Outline a circle of topics that should not be spoken to by everyone.
- Explain to your child the difference between secret and intimacy. The secret arises when someone does not want others to know what he is doing. And intimacy is when everyone knows what a person is doing, but don’t want to disturb him. The word "intimate" can be replaced by "personal"
- Talk about how to protect the borders of your "house". Tell that no one has the right to touch the child, to consider some parts of his body, if it is unpleasant for him. Explain to the baby that he may not answer the questions of peers and other adults if they relate to something personal.
We form a representation of the field
We form a representation of the field
In order to explain to a child how boys differ from girls, it is not necessary to lay out atlases of anatomy in front of him. Start with more obvious symptoms:
- girls wear bows on their hair and paint their nails, while boys don't. But guys can decorate themselves with belts with buckles, ties and neat haircuts
- when girls grow up, they become moms, and boys become dads
- boys are more often interested in equipment and weapons, and girls are more interested in dolls and soft toys
- pay attention to how the responsibilities in the family are distributed between mom and dad, grandparents
Help your child find signs for the genitals and everything related to them. Since in Russian you have to choose between children's words and medical terms, it is better to dwell on the former. With such words as “penis” or “vagina”, it is better to introduce the child not earlier than 5-6 years old, and then for the purpose of general development: his peers still will not understand these terms.
Almost all children go through a stage of active interest in the type and functions of their genitals, manifested in the form of masturbation. Despite the fact that it has long been proven that this habit does not lead to hair growth on the palms of the hands, nor to dementia, parents are very upset, taking the heir by surprise. It is impossible (and not necessary!) To force a child to completely abandon this method of obtaining pleasant sensations. However, there are many options to weaken the attractiveness of masturbation.
Do not deprive the baby of affection. Tactile contact with parents will help him relieve stress, feel physical comfort. Pay great attention to the hygiene of the child and the comfort of his clothes. Irritation in the genital area provokes the baby to eliminate discomfort with his hands. Unobtrusively switch the attention of the crumbs to interesting stimuli outside his body. The wealth of other impressions will supplant the pleasant sensations received from masturbation.
We use visual aids
Books and pictures describing the structure of the human body will help the child form a scientific look at gender issues and escape from sexual connotations.
- Look at the pictures and discuss with your child how the males of peacocks differ from females, moose from moose
etc.Read about the “mating dances” of various birds and animals. This information will help the baby understand that the main purpose of differences in appearance is to attract members of the opposite sex to continue the genus.
- As illustrations describing the anatomy of people, it is better to use not photographs or realistic drawings, but sketchy images.
- Stories about how birds lay eggs, fish lay eggs, and a kangaroo carries a cub in a bag, will gradually lead the child to an idea of how dad can take part in the process of procreation. Such preparation will save the baby from a shock reaction when he learns the details of the conception mechanism. Psychological research shows that the final answer to the question “Where do the children come from?” best given to a child over 7 years old.
- Carefully follow the information that the baby receives thanks to the TV and the Internet. Unfortunately, most of the “content” can hurt the psyche of the child and form a misconception about sexual relationships. The abundance of clips with singers in thongs and programs with male presenters, languidly stretching words, is no reason to stop censoring them.
- Try to ensure that neither adult households, nor brothers or sisters of the child act as visual aids. Joint “washing” of heterosexual children after three years, running into the bathroom when dad is washing there, or peeping at grandmother’s dressing blurs the baby’s ideas about the rules of behavior in public. Too democratic attitude towards one’s own and others’s nudity leads to situations when a girl lifts her dress to scratch on a holiday, and a boy pokes his male dignity thoughtfully.